oh glory, i'll fly away

i have so much, repeat, so much to do. i can't even begin to sort it all out. all i know is that i need to start making lists. all kinds of lists. i need to make an address book of my relatives' addresses, because frankly i never write to my grandparents and my mom always addresses their birthday/christmas/easter etc. cards but i'm going to have to do that on my own now won't i? i need to make a list of birthdays. categorized by month. i don't want to miss anyone's birthday anymore. i need to make a list of things to take to college. and, most importantly at the moment, a list of things to take to the concert this weekend.

yes, amanda and i have been planning this for a long time. out in the middle of nebraska there's a tiny town called comstock where they love to throw massive concerts. i mean like 40,000-people-concerts which is huge for this state. anyway, they just started the tradition of having "godstock", a three-day concert event of christian music. so yeah, friday-sunday...amanda and i are gonna have such a freaking awesome time. i'm getting more and more interested in christian music these days. it really is pretty uplifting. and i want to make something clear. i believe that being christian is not about bringing other people down, i believe it's about doing the best i can, because that's all i can really do, right? and it's just between me and God. if other people happen to see how happy i am because of it, and decide to try a little faith, then that's great. one thing i've noticed is that i've become a lot calmer, i can handle problems with less stress involved, and i actually think i'm more open-minded than i was before. and even when i've hit my personal rock bottom and feel like absolute shit...it's like there's something inside me that makes me feel warm and tells me to just eat some chocolate and take a nap and wait it all out and it'll be better.

back to amanda...it's so nice to have a friend like her. i mean seriously, with all the fights we've been through, we're still the best of friends and we can still manage to stay up talking until 3 in the morning (she just left, actually). it's awesome to have someone who actually listens, i mean really listens. she never shoots down my hopes and dreams and fantasies, and i never shoot down her's. and it feels so good to get all these random little things off my chest. you know, just little stories and stuff that i wanted to tell to someone who would appreciate them. i've been miserable lately because i feel like nobody will take the time to listen to me. i can't seem to get a word in edge-wise with anyone. and if i start to say something, people just talk right over me. especially my mom. it hurts so much when you've just got something little to say (yet it means a whole lot to you) and no one will listen. like nobody cares. except amanda cares...she always has. we hold all of each other's secrets. and guess what? i'm not telling. and i know she won't either. that's friendship, dammit. that's what it's like to need someone.

my boss, calvin, was absent from work on wednesday and thursday because his best friend died of cancer. a really rare kind of cancer of the stomach. his friend's name is dean. the two had been friends for like, twenty years. they did all kinds of things together-golfing, camping...they even took a trip to vegas together, as well as numerous other trips. their wives are friends, their kids are friends, and i think their dogs might even be related. anyway, calvin has been having a really tough time with the whole thing, even before dean died (they all knew it was coming, but still). and he's been talking to me a lot about it. he told me how wonderful dean was...how he would help anybody, and just had a sweet nature, big heart, good sense of humor. he told me about each and every trip he made to the hospital, and how they said their goodbyes. he wondered how he was going to live without his friend. then on friday he told me all about the funeral, and how he promised himself that he would say a few words, for his own sake, and for dean. he had such a tough time getting up the nerve, and then finally he just walked up there...the church was packed, too...dean was apparently well-liked all around town. he told me about how he wore a purple shirt to the funeral because it was dean's favorite color, and how he got to drive dean's truck, and how strange and sad it felt. and i noticed his voice start to waver and he kind of trembled a little and before i knew it my eyes were filled with tears and i had a sick feeling in my stomach. i felt his grief, i really did, and i never even met his friend. i just wished that by feeling his grief, i could take a little bit of it away from him. in fact, i wish i could take all of it away...better me to have it than him because he goes through enough every day already with all the crap going on at that school. anyway, just hearing a grown man trying to fight back his tears, trying to master his sorrow...it profoundly affected me. he had told me that he had been crying a lot during his hospital visits, and later told me that he thought he was weak. and i replied that he was definitely not weak. i told him that he was an even bigger man in my eyes because of it.

i'm learning more and more everyday about what it's like to love someone so much that it hurts. i'm also learning that i seem to have an endless capacity for it. and i just remembered something else. calvin said that when dean was nearing the end and before he took his last breath he mumbled a few names. i thought calvin was going to say that it was his name that dean mumbled, and i was prepared to comment on how sweet that was. but instead dean had said the names of a few relatives of his, that had already died. and i bet that he could see them. that's heaven, guys. i swear it's there. otherwise, what's the point?

time for bed now. i feel like i still have loads more to write down, for my own sake. but, i have to be up for church tomorrow, so...another time. :)